I was in a cafe the other day when I overheard this:

“Can you please stop listening to our conversation?”

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My handwriting has slowly morphed from cheerleader to serial killer to elephant with a paint brush.


Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
Me: Thx


Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.

Wife: Of course not, where is he?

Me: I just told you.


911,What’s your emergency?

Me: I think it’s a heart attack

911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead


*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*


SPECIAL COLUMBUS DAY SALE: For $300 you can drive one of our vans into Canada and claim you discovered it.


Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?


When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.


Tread lightly on the path, as we all have a journey to make.

Unless you’re super hungry, in which case you’re allowed to mow people down.