@Poutymcgee

I was in a cafe the other day when I overheard this:

“Can you please stop listening to our conversation?”

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@CoreyNotKori

My handwriting has slowly morphed from cheerleader to serial killer to elephant with a paint brush.

@lisasopinions

Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx

@TweetPotato314

Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.

Wife: Of course not, where is he?

Me: I just told you.

@Matt_the_1st

911,What’s your emergency?

Me: I think it’s a heart attack

911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead

@NonCombosMentos

*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*

@Aerostars4Sale

SPECIAL COLUMBUS DAY SALE: For $300 you can drive one of our vans into Canada and claim you discovered it.

@girlwit0filter

Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?

@Rollinintheseat

When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.

@MartaEffing

Tread lightly on the path, as we all have a journey to make.

Unless you’re super hungry, in which case you’re allowed to mow people down.