ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
You Might Also Like
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
Accurate
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
the world’s most popular steaming services
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…