A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
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I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
Sorry not sorry.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
Godspeed, John Glenn
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”