I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
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She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
never deleting this app.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac