If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
You Might Also Like
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks