“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
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Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
I think I’m having a stroke