I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.

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Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?

Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]


Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.


The best things in life are free.

Stealing is awesome.


[How salad was created]

You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.

– Single piece of lettuce


Me: *shakes bosses hand*
Sorry I’m late to the meeting boss.
Boss: No problem, restroom?
Me: Yes, and we’re out of TP and hand soap again.


COP: Can you describe your attacker?

ME: No

COP: Didn’t you see him?

ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives


Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.


On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.