@mina_baileyy

I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.

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@Cpin42

Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?

Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]

@knot_eye

Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.

@SteevUmc

The best things in life are free.

Stealing is awesome.

@samdunsiger

[How salad was created]

You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.

– Single piece of lettuce

@_4kidscrazy

Me: *shakes bosses hand*
Sorry I’m late to the meeting boss.
Boss: No problem, restroom?
Me: Yes, and we’re out of TP and hand soap again.

@MatCro

COP: Can you describe your attacker?

ME: No

COP: Didn’t you see him?

ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives

@AlanFelyk

Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.

@Marlebean

On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.