I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
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Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
The glockness monster
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?