I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
You Might Also Like
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.