I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
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The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*