[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
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Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
*gets a snack*
*turns on tv*
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck