I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
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PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
Cannot stop laughing at this
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.