I was informed last week that “cheat day” does not mean what I thought it did.

In related news: Baby, sit down. I have to tell you somethin

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[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*


I bet Yoda was pretty hot before he turned into an old Asian lady.


kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”


Shoutout to all the introverts! Hey! Where’re you going?!! Come here!


Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!

Me: Have you ever had an accident?

Her: No, I’m on the pill.

Me: (Sigh)


This is a fake tweet, someone asked me to put their # in my phone so I’m pretending to add it to my contacts


*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*


friend: here he comes. dont set him off again.
me: ok
me&friend: hey
JADEN SMITH: What If We Are the Hay, And The World Is Harvesting Us?


Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?

Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?

Me: we’re texting

Him: I heard it


GOD: Done.

ANGEL: What is it?

GOD: A penguin.

ANGEL: So it can fly, right?

GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.

ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?