I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
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One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?