I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
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My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.