@wolfpupy

i was just about to ramp my car off a cliff into the ocean but then i remembered someone had told me to drive safe earlier

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@CornOnTheGoblin

[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon

@DevonESawa

My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.

@glamrockgoth

Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?

@Vodkantots

I wanna be famous, but only so I can name my kids Wombat and Pumpernickel.

@AmishPornStar1

Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…

So far, nobody can tell the difference.

@QwertyJones3

Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!

@ojedge

[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”

“It’s 25 carats…”

[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]

@dumbbeezie

My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots

@hurlarious

Sweeping a woman off her feet is easy if you know karate