i was just about to ramp my car off a cliff into the ocean but then i remembered someone had told me to drive safe earlier

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[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon


My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.


Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?


I wanna be famous, but only so I can name my kids Wombat and Pumpernickel.


Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…

So far, nobody can tell the difference.


Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!


Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”

“It’s 25 carats…”

[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]


My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots


Sweeping a woman off her feet is easy if you know karate