[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
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Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don鈥檛 like on
Quit coffee and now I鈥檓 like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Patient: There鈥檚 blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i鈥檓 game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn鈥檛 come.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
馃ぃdope
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they鈥檙e going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
I鈥檝e been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.