Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
I was just accosted by a small child riding shotgun in a shopping cart yelling “why you ain’t got no babies?”I bet my father in law paid her
You Might Also Like
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
Love is like a unicorn. I don’t have a unicorn.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
whenever a song says put your hands in the air i do it on the spot. i have fun and also an alarming vehicle collision record
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
Kate on Facebook can’t believe the ordacity of some people.
I can’t believe the audacity of people who use big words that they can’t spell.
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*