@Phoebetate

I was just accosted by a small child riding shotgun in a shopping cart yelling “why you ain’t got no babies?”I bet my father in law paid her

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@HollyMemphis

Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,

“Guess who got laid last night?”

@GlennyRodge

COMPUTER: Enter password

ME: [types ’14days’]

COMPUTER: Your password is two week

ME: Uh?

COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.

@MissMalbec

Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.

@prodigis

whenever a song says put your hands in the air i do it on the spot. i have fun and also an alarming vehicle collision record

@JessicaVarsity

I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.

*Adds track star to resume*

@PhoenixRises69

Kate on Facebook can’t believe the ordacity of some people.

I can’t believe the audacity of people who use big words that they can’t spell.

@junejuly12

If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.

@Henry_3000

Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*