Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
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Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
Holy shit he’s back
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist