I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
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YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
Why is no one talking about this?!