I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
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If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
You learn something every day
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
Midwest trash talk
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Just how popey was the pope today?
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.