I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
You Might Also Like
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
I want this so bad
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering