I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
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Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.