@_little_old_me

I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.

I hope his new foster family is nice.

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@TheFearBoners

When God closes a door, He opens a window. God does not give a shit about your electric bill.

@therealeatwood

Day 1: injected self with mouse DNA

Day 2: ate 12 blocks of cheese

Day 3: 15 blocks

Day 4: experiment is failure; no observable changes

@KentWGraham

I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.

@huntigula

if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward

@TheRealPalMal

[Walking into a Mayo Clinic with a Club Sandwich]

Me: This is not what I expected.

@3sunzzz

Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.

@pittdave13

Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it

@GaryDelaney

A Sultan’s wife is called a Sultana, or sometimes just his currant wife.