I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
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“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
Beware…..
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.