I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
You Might Also Like
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.