Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
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guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
This meal prepping shit easy
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.