@farouq_yahaya

I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.

And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!

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@Kyle_Lippert

Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.

@luiki89

It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver ūüôĀ

@Turbo_Jimmy

UK: we call them films, after the traditional recording process using photographic film

USA: WE CALL THEM MOVIES BECAUSE THEM PHOTOS MOVE

@lovemydogduck

Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”

@KKAlThani

Can we speak to the Mayans and have the ending of the world earlier than planned? Preferably before the premier of the new Twilight movie.

@rdthought

Girlfriend: Stop lying around on the couch all day.
Me: But you said we needed to start conserving energy.

@JesKeepSwimming

Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”