I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
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[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
Saw your ex at the shops
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
shit, they caught us—run!!!
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment