I was kicked out of karate class today for describing everything the instructor did as “senseitational”

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Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.


People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.


I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks


Me: i need some decoration for this cake

Store clerk: Icing?

Me: Yeah and I can beatbox, can we just focus on the cake?


vodka is tricky, cause 1 second you think you’re a supreme heavyweight and its not effecting you, & the next you’re chatting up a chair


[Advert for hiking]

Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?


INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.


When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station


I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.