@TheBoydP

I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.

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@oldmanweldon

A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.

@YourMomsucksTho

Gather close, children, as i tell a horrific tale of using a separate contraption from your phone called a camera, taking the roll of film out, driving to a photo lab, putting it in an envelope, dropping it in a bin, and then waiting 7-10 days to see pictures unless they lost it.

@mattZillaaaa

[at my funeral]

So young, how did he die?

He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”

@BobbyAwful

I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.

@wittwitbarista

*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!

@Playing_Dad

[On a date]
*Don’t let her know you’re a dog*
Girl: Do you want to…maybe go for a walk after this?
*starts running in circles going crazy*

@ThisLocalHater

“I’m not like other girls,” I say, walking into a closet I thought was a bathroom

@Desert_Musings

My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.

@TheToddWilliams

ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”

YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants

@_ElvishPresley_

[face down in a bowl of hot soup]

waiter: is everything ok?

me: *bubble noises*