I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
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[canadians at you, canadianly]
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs