I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
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9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
he looks great for his age
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.