I was late so I shoved a whole taco into my mouth. It was a sight to behold based on the facial expression of the lady in the adjacent car.

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[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant


Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.


Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.


Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.

– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”

I don’t get it.


saw someone spill their high end juice cleanse all over the sidewalk and now I know god is on my side


Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.


10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny