Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
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They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
when mom throws a party…
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
Pigeon open mic night.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.