Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
You Might Also Like
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
*frowns in Scottish*
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.