I hate when my cat brings in a dead bird and I have to pretend I enjoy eating it so I don’t hurt his feelings
I was left alone for 3 hours and I almost cut my hand off trying to open a banana.
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Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
[rubs earth between fingers]
‘The pizza went that way ..’
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Handy guide to types of moon.
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
I’m selling my air guitar. The case is not included.
Life is a suicide mission.
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection