I was left alone for 3 hours and I almost cut my hand off trying to open a banana.

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I hate when my cat brings in a dead bird and I have to pretend I enjoy eating it so I don’t hurt his feelings


Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.


[crouches down]
[rubs earth between fingers]
‘The pizza went that way ..’


My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.

It was a picture of her at the airport.


God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what


When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection