I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
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My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
47 years ago today, Soap debuted.
We don’t talk enough about how brilliant and underrated this show was.
This scene. 😂😂😂
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.