ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
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I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
Dyslexics are teople poo!
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”