@lovemydogduck

I WAS LIKE
AND HE WAS LIKE
AND I WAS LIKE
AND SHE WAS LIKE
(The speech impediment of the 21st century)

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@sixfootcandy

Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.

@Reverend_Scott

*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.

@sip_at_home_mom

You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.

@sad_jake

damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about

@That_Damn_Duck

People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.

@david8hughes

I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.

@gabemakesmusic

I was kicked out of karate class today for describing everything the instructor did as “senseitational”

@knot_eye

Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.

@ElleOhHell

[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it

@UberFacts

Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.