@lovemydogduck

I WAS LIKE
AND HE WAS LIKE
AND I WAS LIKE
AND SHE WAS LIKE
(The speech impediment of the 21st century)

You Might Also Like

@soyourelikethat

my mother was an avid collector of porcelain dolls and that’s all you really need to know

@Shira

Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…

@OctopusCaveman

I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.

@novicefather

I played dead in the living room to see how my 2yo would respond.

He climbed on my “corpse” for 5 minutes then turned on the tv.

@WheelTod

Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.

@TheAndrewNadeau

[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.

Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.

@HenpeckedHal

Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while

@BuckyIsotope

*rolls up to teens on skateboard*
Hello kids. Can I interest you in a marijuana party?
*pulls out bong with evidence sticker on it*
dammit