Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
I WAS LIKE
AND HE WAS LIKE
AND I WAS LIKE
AND SHE WAS LIKE
(The speech impediment of the 21st century)
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my mother was an avid collector of porcelain dolls and that’s all you really need to know
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
I played dead in the living room to see how my 2yo would respond.
He climbed on my “corpse” for 5 minutes then turned on the tv.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Her: I love Christmas.
Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
*rolls up to teens on skateboard*
Hello kids. Can I interest you in a marijuana party?
*pulls out bong with evidence sticker on it*