Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
I was listening to my wife argue with our 5 y/o. I didn’t want to tell her he was right so karate chopped the TV to create a diversion.
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I want a girl with a short fuse and a straitjacket.
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
Jogging has never helped my memory.
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
RACCOON: I haven’t been feeling so good lately
DOCTOR: We’ll let’s see. Have you been staying up all night?
DOCTOR: What have you been eating?
DOCTOR: Well you’re doing all the right things