@DanaSchwartzzz
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
@NottaBigDeal
I was listening to my wife argue with our 5 y/o. I didn’t want to tell her he was right so karate chopped the TV to create a diversion.
You Might Also Like
@DanaSchwartzzz
@coremillionaire
I want a girl with a short fuse and a straitjacket.
@pplwtching
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
@ArfMeasures
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
@Ameiam
Jogging has never helped my memory.
@C00LpenNAME
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
@TheWeirdWorld
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
@Where__wolf
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
@Home_Halfway
RACCOON: I haven’t been feeling so good lately
DOCTOR: We’ll let’s see. Have you been staying up all night?
RACCOON: Yes
DOCTOR: What have you been eating?
RACCOON: Garbage
DOCTOR: Well you’re doing all the right things