@heatherlou_

I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.

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@Mr_Kapowski

“Welcome to Armageddon
Welcome to Legageddon
Welcome to Quadageddon”

Me: *raises hand* Are you the only trainer available at the gym today?

@TheThomason

Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”

@jonnysun

“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy

@DadandBuried

5yo: I want a snack.

M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.

5: I NEED CHOICES!

M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.

@thatcarlygirl

Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:

@Jenny4ashley

Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking

[me while painting nails]: Obvi

Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails

@daemonic3

They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million

How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?

@Girliegurll

I just spent 38 minutes on the phone w my mother. And she couldn’t tell I was drinking. I’m worried about her, now.

@meganamram

I don’t remember anything about being born, I must have been WASTED

@OneFunnyMummy

Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…

Me: what a great place to bury a body!