I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.

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Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.


Boss: Project’s way behind. Suggestions? I’m willing to try anything.
Me: *raises hand*
Him: Anything but “helper monkeys”
Me: *lowers hand*


*walks up to cashier with paper towels*

Are these the largest tampons you have?


When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.


How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?


I love when bill collectors ask if you can borrow the money…uh I did that before and I think we both know how that turned out.


“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.

No, it’s not what you think.

I just watched Hook.


I like to combine danger with awkwardness by falling up stairs.