Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
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Boss: Project’s way behind. Suggestions? I’m willing to try anything.
Me: *raises hand*
Him: Anything but “helper monkeys”
Me: *lowers hand*
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
I’m so single my cat has a cat.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
I love when bill collectors ask if you can borrow the money…uh I did that before and I think we both know how that turned out.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not.
I like to combine danger with awkwardness by falling up stairs.