I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
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*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy