I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
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[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
I have written yet another poem about laundry
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.