@_NinJar

I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket

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@MeatyPunk

girl: tough guys are hot

Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*

I have a gauntlet I just never use it

*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*

I love this

@StellaRtwot

We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.

@c12h22o11balls

The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad

@_ElvishPresley_

*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME

@captainkalvis

me: one shitty donut with gross frosting please

bagel employee: you don’t have to come here, you know

@gabutch

Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.

@Marlebean

I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*

*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up

@Beer_Blonde_

A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…

I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.

@ScottyBondo

Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore

@WilliamAder

“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian