girl: tough guys are hot
*hawk lands on my bare arm*
I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
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We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
me: one shitty donut with gross frosting please
bagel employee: you don’t have to come here, you know
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian