At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
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[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.