I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
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What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
My work here is don’t.
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
just witnessed a drug deal
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great