I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
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It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING