@RackOfSteel

I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.

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@Stellacopter

If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.

@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-

Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.

5:

Me:

5: How much blood?

@UnFitz

Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”

@ericsshadow

ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]

SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.

ME: I’d wait until next week.

@Smug_Lemur

Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot

@QwertyJones3

Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.

@Playing_Dad

[On a date]
*Don’t let her know you’re a dog*
Girl: Do you want to…maybe go for a walk after this?
*starts running in circles going crazy*

@brennadine

Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.