@RackOfSteel

I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.

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@rudy_mustang

God: then u become a butterfly

Caterpillar: wow the rest of my life as a butterfly

God: yah lol the “rest”

C: how long

G

C:how long God

@Lisa_Laughs_

I’m torn between having ‘wish you were here’ or ‘look behind you’ engraved on my headstone.

@idiot

#rudolph > .nose {
background: red;
border-radius: 50%;
@include shiny;
}

@AnitaHelmet

Him: You’re married?

Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.

Him: What about on Friday?

Me: Depends how Thursday goes.

@TheToddWilliams

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*

COP: Oh dang

@3sunzzz

Fun Fact:

If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.

You’re welcome.

@LostFelicia

Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.

@dadmann_walking

guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.

guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.

@Gowitty

Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.