If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
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5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5: How much blood?
I have a new favorite meme page
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
[On a date]
*Don’t let her know you’re a dog*
Girl: Do you want to…maybe go for a walk after this?
*starts running in circles going crazy*
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.