I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
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How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
Finally!
Scream sneezers need love too.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
Perfect
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.