I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
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If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings