I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
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[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
What about second breakfast?
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
Social Media and Real life
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No