I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.

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[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet


God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.


Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it

T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all

[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]


Top 3 screwdrivers:

1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment


I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!


How do you know if a website really likes you or only wants you for your data


{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?


My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.


teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]

me: ok lol


me: hey what the f-