I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
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Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
Overindulged this afternoon.
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.