I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
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every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
If snakes were wide
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad