My extra sensitive toothpaste doesn’t like it when I use other toothpastes.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
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In a meeting.
Can I go first? Thanks.
Gets up and leaves.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
Not to brag but at the last family reunion I didn’t talk to a single person.
No idea whose family it was. Lots of beer though.
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.