@Diversion50

I was on a search party in the forest last night.

Bit of a boring party.

We found a dead guy though.

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@senderblock23

My extra sensitive toothpaste doesn’t like it when I use other toothpastes.

@EromoEgbejule

As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.

Discuss.

@Skoog

therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?

satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”

therapist: that’s not so bad

satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”

@netflix

DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie

THEM: ok

DA: Will Smith is one of the cops

THEM: k

DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc

THEM: no that’s crazy

EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini

#BRIGHTMovie

@causticbob

Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob

@MsSkarsgaard

Not to brag but at the last family reunion I didn’t talk to a single person.

No idea whose family it was. Lots of beer though.

Recommend.

@Darlainky

Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.

@Kyle_Lippert

Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.